Popi's Journal

october 8 2024

Big feelings big update!!!!

I have had a crush on my classmate since the start of summer 2023. It started when I was sitting on the bus next to them for 15 hours on our way to an animation festival. We shared a huge bed for a week in an airbnb we shared with two other friends, and even though we didn't talk much back then they were just so cute and cool and adorable... butterflies were fluttering and I felt silly. On the 15 hours back I thought to myself that this wouldn't lead to anything as I was (still am but a mm less) awkard and felt like I wasn't good enough for them, so no moves were made for the rest of that summer. Until I saw them again at a party and asked them what their type was. They told me they "don't care as long as the person has big boobs" which I do not have and do not wish to have, so that was pretty discouraging. Then school started again and I just stared discreetly while not telling anyone from my class about my crush. I thought that if people knew and this ended up leading to nothing it'd be awkward in class, so I only told friends outside of school.

The months passed and I kept wanting to know more about them, but also didn't want them to know about how I felt. I felt like I was everything they didn't want in a partner, and some chats we had confirmed those fears: too young, too small, no dating experience. I was also scared that my loud yapper personality bothered them as they tend to be more quiet and reserved. I didn't want to make them uncomfortable by coming on too strong (even though that was not be my intention) so I held back from talking to them for a while. But at the same time I was dying to get to know them and every little thing I learned about them felt like a giant treasure.

I remember everytime we went to the cinema they'd fall asleep while I was just sitting there dying to hold their hand and let them rest their head on my shoulder. But I didn't do anything because that would've been weird. So I just died in silent while watching love lies bleeding.

Then we didn't have class for some weeks and the internships started so I couldn't see them for a while. I was pretty busy and lonely during that period and the weather was shit and my office was grey... but after a month and a half I joined them for my second internship. We were doing it at the same place and we were both going to work there for the summer afterwards. That's how I spent the craziest but most structured summer of my life (so far).

Structured because office job, crazy because what the hell was that about. Seeing them every single day felt like heaven, it made everything better and life was beautiful and my soul felt at peace but that's not totally true because the more my feelings for them grew the more I felt like a loser who didn't have what it took to be by their side. I was convinced there was no way ever they'd ever like me back, so my crazy heartbeat and stomach beehive felt pointless. But at the same time there was no way I'd ever get over them. They're literally everything??? everything good in the world is in them, maybe i'm exagerating but that's what it feels like when I'm in their presence. I thought about them so much night and day I almost only dreamt about them. One time I had a dream where we were royalty from different countries and had to get married to unite our countries but they didn't show up at the ceremony. Truly heartbreaking. Lots of dreams where we were just sleeping too. Some naughty once I cannot lie... We hung out a lot and even started hanging out one on one. That was so bonkers my stomach couldn't handle it and I threw up almost every single time. I might have IBS.

During that time I felt conflicted. I wasn't sure if what they did was just them being friendly and wanting to become better friends, if they were acting normal and my hormonal brain was convincing me they did things because they were into me, or if they were actually into me. I talked about it with a bunch of friends and none of them knew what to do, so I didn't do anything yet again. My crush also kept telling me they didn't want to date a friend because that'd be even more hurtful were they to break up. I thought that was a silly mindset because it meant missing out on the opportunity of dating someone you love. My hopes were buried down at that point but we kept hanging out and getting closer every time. Here's a bunch of dates we did that weren't really dates but felt like dates (and the times were i got sick):

• going to the cinema (a bunch of times)
• going to an exhibition together
• going to pride together (i stayed over and threw up the next day because we almost kissed but didn't)
• watching reality TV at my place (i threw up but that was food intoxication)
• making them lasagna to thank them for taking care of me when I was sick (i threw up (ironical i know))
• going on vacation with their best friends (not a date but big event)
• going to the aquarium and then the beach (with another friend but still)
• going on vacation with just the two of us (i was sick because that's crazy)

That last trip!!!!!!! Where to start. First day: car stopped car-ing, had to wait to find another way to get to our destination. When we arrived we ate good food and played tag because that's fun. The next day we went to the zoo and took a nap for 3h. When we woke up it was storming and we kissed. It felt like I had kissed and swallowed the sun and stars were coming to life and dying in my body. I wanted it to last forever. I felt so happy I wanted to cry but I didn't. We went to sleep quietly, holding eachother thight and gently. The next day we went back to the zoo and I asked them what our relationship was now. They then told me they've liked me since the beginning of summer and never thought I would like them back. I was like babe what are you on I've been obsessing over you for a year?? Thank god they didn't find that weird because we're dating now :")

It's weird because I have imagined being in a relationship with crushes and fictional people for as long as I can remember, but never could I have imagined being loved the way they love me. I never thought someone could care for me like they do. I feel so grateful that they're in my life and to be totally fair and so f-ing corny I like them so much it makes me want to cry. I can't wait to see us grow together! Caring for them and loving them is the best thing that's ever happened to me :"O I can't wait to make more memories to cherish forever with them!

october 3 2024

Oh well there goes september /:-O?? Time is going by so fast these days I can barely catch my breath. My runny nose is definitely not helping with the breathing (the weather's so cold and grey I hate everyhting). Also YouTube just banned my channel? which is wild because I don't have one, I only have public playlists for music and fancams T_T maybe some hater reported a comment I made 10 years ago? Anyhow this is really annoying bc it blocked my youtube and youtube music... rude!!!

A lot happened this summer... I don't really know where to start, but this friday I'm celebrating our one month anniversary with my partner ♥♥♥♥♥ *runs into the woods and howls at the moon* I'll try to find time to write about that because that's fucking crazy.

august 20 2024

Quick quick update before I dissapear for another month... Mercury retrograde has been the overall mood for the last few weeks: all I can do is overthink and my feelings are all over the place. It's like I know what I want but I also feel like (= i know 100% but am in denial) it's no good for me. But I try to not let it take over my time and have been working on things that have more certitude than my summer romance... Shojo Girl Summer has been a blast but it's time to get back on track as I'm about to start working on my graduation film (HELP). Only the universe will know if I am ready for that challenge but I'll be giving it my all!!!

I've also been thinking about getting my eyes checked. Animating on a computer 8h a day is making my eyes feel like raisins. But I think I'd look cute with glasses ( Ó̯ 3 Ò̯)

july 07 2024

This week I felt all over the place and restless, but it was a good week nonetheless. I've been journaling/holding a gratitude journal for some time now and it has really helped me stay in touch with how I'm feeling and not letting my low mood influence my day (too much). My sleep schedule is really chaotic though and I felt nauseous all week, only to be sick yesterday. So my body has been feeling pretty weak.

good things that happened this week:

• I finished my internship and received a book about the production of the movie 'isle of dogs'!
• I had a really fun and sweet sleepover with my friends
• I'm petsitting my aunt's dog all week ♥♥ MY BEBEEE

I also (finally) talked with my friend I went to visit a while ago and I'm kind of proud on how I worded what I experienced there. I really tried to not make it sound like I'm pissed off (whih I'm not) and never want to talk to her again while still holding her accountable for how she made me feel. I think she took it well (yay!)

june 25 2024

It's been months since I've made a demand for financial support and I still didn't get any answer regarding that despite the many calls and mails I've been doing. Because of that I've been overbooking myself with work to avoid not being able to pay rent anymore (????help), which results not only in me being stressed and tired non-stop (as I am usually) but also not having any summer vacation whatsoever. I might get 2 weeks in september, without the weekends because I'll also be working then. I know that I technically did this to myself but I would not have ended up here if they had given me the help I asked for MONTHS ago. ARGH. I'm thinking of asking to change my schedule and taking a week off to go somewhere on my own (bc as I should know by now, group trips are fun but can be distressing sometimes). A budget plan should be made before I actually decide to do that, I don't think I can afford to take more days off than I have planned right now, but maybe there's a way??

A friend of mine told me that money is no use if it cannot be spent, which is true, but the money I'm gonna make will barely cover rent and groceries... I love adulting it's so much fun. And all of this to live in a shit ugly home!!! I decorated it cute but it's still shit. And there's only mozarella in my fridge. AHHH

anywho, on better news, I passed all my classes!!! I've (almost) officially graduated from my animation bachelor (slay). I feel really cool

june 19 2024

how I've been doing lately in an image:

Also, I finished my essay and got super positive feedback for both my internships !!! I feel very proud of the work I've put in these last few months and all the opportunities it brought me ♥♥♥

june 15 2024

Just spent all day coding like a goon when I have so many documents to put in order *screams* and I still need to go buy groceries I HATE BEING AN ADULT AARGGHKHKHDKSK

Doesn't help that I drank coffee and had a giant bowl of jajangmyeon, now I just wanna lie down and sleep ｡ﾟ・（>﹏<）・ﾟ｡

june 11 2024

YouTube has this thing where they make archive playlists of 'forgotten favorites' and I LOVE IT SO MUCH!! I rediscovered Gregory & The Hawk's lovely album Moenie and Kitchi ♥♥♥ archiving and rediscovering things I like(d) brings me so much joy. These archive playlists also made me think of other things to add to my radio page, can't wait to start working on that~

↑ real footage of me and my dog from that one dream i had

june 8 2024

I wanted to make my paper about miku but now that I actually have to start writing it I have no idea where to begin.

may 29 2024

TW// dream about d-word dog, police violence

This weekend I dreamed about having a dog twice, and in both dreams my dog died or dissapeared?? The internet says it might mean someone lost my trust or hasn't been loyal or something... at first I wasn't sure who that might be about but now I'm thinking it could be the friend I talked about 2 updates ago. I've been thinking about contacting them and talking it out with them but I really don't know how I should bring it up. Confrontation stresses me out.

More about the first dream I had, it started out super silly lol. I was at my high school and part of it had been changed into a shelter for farm animals. I was helping a sick goat (she was hugeee like a big dog) drink water but the goat was picky and told me to give her some better water. Somehow all my elementary school and high school crushes were there? They were just standing on the side with their arms hanging, being totally useless. My best friend told this could be a sign of my brain finally admitting what dimwits they were. Then I was on the tramway with my dog (I've never had a dog ever). It was a mix between a border colie and a borzoi! The tram was in my mother's street, which was confusing because there's no tram near that street. Suddenly we heard a dog barking at the other end of the tram, the police arrived and started beating the dog!? When I looked down at my dog he wasn't there anymore, but it was too late. The police killed my literal dreamdog!! acab even in dreamland, holy shoot.

may 28 2024

I'm watching the new season of Bridgerton and I don't understand what people (and Penelope) see in the self-centered rat that is Colin... Can't see the vision the authors had for him, sorry :0 His acting also makes me really uncomfortable... why are you winking like that UHH

On better news I've picked up on my whale researches so I'll update the whale page as soon as I can! yipee! (I learned whale milk is similar to cottage cheese, gross!)

may 22 2024

Big update since it's been a while since I yapped on here...

I finished my first internship and got my final feedback on my designs. My mentor was very happy with my work and said they'd defenitely call me to work for them later on! I was (still am) so happy. Since vis dev is really something I want to profesionalize in, this is the best news I could get!

Since I had a long weekend, I then went on a very short trip to visit a friend in their country. It started out really well and the weather was wonderful. I had lots of fun until the evening where we went to meet my friend's friend group. My friend's attitude shifted at some point in the evening and they kind of left me out to talk outside with their friends. It felt weird but I tried not to think too much of it (I felt like shit the whole evening) but they were cold to me for the rest of night and seemed annoyed with me. When we went home they told me they'd be sleeping in the next day, knowing fully well it'd the last day of my trip, so I could do whatever I wanted.

So basically, I spent my last day on my own, I ate breakfast, lunch, dinner alone, on a trip that was specially planned to see my friend. I don't know if it's something I did or said, or if their social battery died out (which would be surprising since they spent that afternoon with their friend group) but it made me feel really upset. It kind of felt like I was a burden to them... Anyways I'm never doing that again. I think I'm gonna prioritize solo travelling from now on.

After that odd and hot weekend, I started my second internship. I was so happy to see my classmates again! The team is also really fun, the mood is completely different from the other studio. But it seems like here too things aren't as nice as they seem. I learned recently that the original contract our boss wanted my coworkers to sign was pretty shady and had a bunch of illegal clauses. They're having a bunch of meetings now to fix that but they're still being weird about it. I hope our student contract won't be as problematic.. I wouldn't know how to confront my boss about it.

april 26 2024

My manifestion came true!!! Since I finished my original task 2 weeks early, they gave me a new task: set design! I'm so so happy and grateful!! To be totally fair I am kind of struggling with it right now lol. Even though visual development is kind of my dream job, I haven't been drawing let alone practicing all that much with all the schoolwork we had going on. But I'm so happy I'm given such an opportunity this early! When they told me what I was going to work on I went hiding in the office toilets to do a happy dance ヾ(๑ㆁᗜㆁ๑)ﾉ” I'm working on interior designs for a show about little mouses living inside the walls of a house. Which means most of their stuff are recycled things from the human world. Super duper cool woowowowowow I'm so excited to be working on this, I already have a bunch of separate ideas but I'm still figuring out how to put them all together in one room.

I've also been continuing the J-Drama I talked about before, safe to say I'm head over heals for the lead guy ...........he's everything. Also, the show may have flaws and so many clichés but GOSH are the romantic scenes & loveydovey touchyfeely scenes MAGICAL! To explain my point, you have to compare it to (and now I'll only mention live-action examples bc don't get me started on them shojos) most romance K-dramas where you have to wait a thousand years for them to get together and when they do, they hug and kiss in the most awkard and driest way ever. Like plz put your back into this you're getting married by the end of this episode. Then you have the western style romance shows (here I'm mostly thinking of bridgerton) where, though the love speeches they give are beautiful and poetic, the delivery often throws me off, they just sound so angry?? And when they make love? Travelling through the whole bedroom and castle while making 24 different gymnastic figures. But in this show... The delicacy, the tenderness, the grace, the timing, the shot angles, the darn cinematography ........ It keeps me awake at night. They even cut the music sometimes and it makes it 10000x more sensual?! Save me

I might be talking out of my ass here because mister Sakaki Koji got me unable to focus on anything (he gives me butterflies)

april 21 2024

I wanna do a big revamp of some pages on here but idk when I'd have time for that :,( When I start working on my site time goes by so fast I end up sleeping around 3 or 4am, which was ok during spring break but I can't afford doing that anymore now that my internship has started. It's a bit frustrating but I guess it's also a good thing because it gives me time to figure out what I want the pages to look like etc. I should also use time on the train to do research for my whale and Pluto pages but I always feel so tired (and lazy) so I end up zoning out at the pretty scenery through the train window for 40min.

Anywho, I went for a walk earlier today, look how cute the path is with all the flowers!

april 19 2024

Just finished my first week as an intern at the animation studio! I was feeling pretty down at first because I'm used to work around my classmates and friends who are very funny ramblers(like me, we're just girls and queers), but here everyone is so shy and quiet. But then the other day, I had my first actual conversation with another intern, who happens to live in my neighbourhood! We even went to the same high school but she graduated long before I did. Today I also had a fun during lunch break learning about my teachers past, who were also teachers of my mentor at the studio, who studied in the school I'm in now (some of my teachers were students with him as well (decennias ago)). What a tiny world we live in!

Other reasons why I panicked is because I had to learn a new program and because they only have qwerty keyboards, which I'm not used to (but now I'm back on my own puter it's even more confusing), I felt like I was working really slowly. But now I might be done with all the work they had planned for me by next week, when they thought it would take me 4 weeks to get done :0 wahooo

To be fair, it's been really tiring entering the office core like this. I wake up at 6am to leave at 7 -I'm slow in the morning so I need time- , I take the train at 7.30, get of around 8am to take the next one at 8.10, get off around 8.20 and arrive at the office by 8.40 (we start at 9am but the train either arrives too late or too early..). I get home by 7.40pm and have barely time to chill because if I don't go to bed by 10pm I know I'll fall asleep on my computer the next day (๑-﹏-๑)

But overall it's really cool to be in an actual studio and work in a pipeline like this! They also work on really cute projects so I hope I'll be able to work there again later on, maybe as a character designer! (pleasepleaseplease)

april 15 2024

Today feelings of disappointment outmatched feelings of gratitude, i feel like shit! I thought the weather would be warm enough for me to leave my scarf at home, then the wind hit me like a truck, I started my first day with a headache and a runny nose. Lunch with my new coworkers was also awkward, i dont know if it was because of my lack of talking or because they're all adult introverts. It didnt help that i sat down before everyone and a bit too far off the end of the table. When everyone sat down on the other end, it made it look like I was avoiding them.. I felt dumb and didn't dare stand up to join them. Luckily all the seats ended up filled so I wasn't sitting alone anymore.

Then after working for 6h on a background, my supervisor told me the graphic style was wrong and I had to start over... like babes couldn't you tell me what you expected it to look like hours ago.

I know these things often happen when you get started etc but I'm so exhausted! Once I'm home I'll crawl in bed, watch looney tunes and cry myself to sleep..

april 14 2024

Someone on the net spoiled the end of the J-Drama I just started but the weather's so good today it helps me get over it *sob*

I went for a walk near the harbor and saw the ducks who some months ago were only babies, they grow up so fast! I could only think of the handsome actor from 'Aishiteiru to Ittekure'... which is good because then I'm not stressing over my internship, which starts tomrrow (AAA). I'll prepare a nice lunch box and breakfast in advance since I'm not used to waking up early anymore, and I feel like I'm gonna need comfort food on that first day..

april 13 2024

I started watching a J-Drama called 'Aishiteiru to Ittekure'. The ML was painting and the GL said she really loved the color he was using, so he ended up giving it (the tube of paint) to her IT'S SO CORNY I LOVE IT WASWAWAWA it's such a silly yet perfect gift (that I might find odd were it given to me irl)

april 12 2024

Look at my friends dog! Isn't she the prettiest princess you've ever seen??

I started reading a french comic called "Filles Uniques" (= only-child girls(??) / unique girls). Simply put, it's about the healing journey of a group of high school girls. Each volume explores the pov of one of the girls, and there's also a playlist for each of them at the end of the comic! It's really good but also depressing, teenager things I guess...?

I'm also reading Fangs and Fools on webtoon! Super cute with beautiful art ♥ These are also my two last days of vacation before the start of my long awaited and dreaded internship. Wish me luck!

april 8 2024

The weather was so good today!! ♪ sun is shining ♫

We went to some thrift stores with a friend and got coffee, I also got carrot cake which was so yummy I forgot I actually can't digest the delicious cream that was on top of the cake...... She then had to leave but I ran into my mom so we went for a walk in the forest and got indian food (っ uڡu c) deliziosooo~ It's been a while since I last had dinner with my family.

Because I see my siblings less often, I notice their growth every time I come to visit. It's scary to see time go by so fast! But at the same time I feel really proud of the people they're becoming. It makes me feel bittersweet, maybe it's just the mango chicken I ate earlier (·.ࡇ.᷅ )

april 6 2024

Bowling was so much fun!! We also went to the arcade and won a bunch of tickets but I'm saving them up for another time (to get a bigger price). I also played Dance Dance Revolution for the first time, I never expected it to be this hard ( ꩜ ᯅ ꩜;) I barely scored any points but it was so fun! I hope I can play it again and see if they have Luka Night Fever on it >:D I saw they had some Gumi songs which made me really happy but I didn't have time to look through the whole catalogue.

On another note, I've been feeling a bit down these days. It sometimes feels like I'm staying in my comfort zone too much when I should be taking more risks and make the most out of my twenties. I keep comparing myself to my friends and peers (I know I shouldn't but I was built like this, I'm working on it tho) who live such crazy lifes and make choices I wouldn't dare making because they feel irresponsable to me, but then these same choices bring them so many opportunities and experiences I feel I'll never get. And I know I'm probably stressing over this too much and I'll probably be fine taking things at my own pace, but it makes me feel a bit like a loser. It doesn't help that people at my workplace or family keep asking me why I don't go out or don't have a partner etc. anyways ( •̀ - •́ )

Those thoughts aside, today was a good day, I laughed so much my cheeks hurt! It's been a while since I spent such a nice time with friends and I feel really grateful for it.

april 4 2024

My aunt did my hair today! We did some honey highlights ♥♥ it looks so cute and it's gonna look even better when my hair grows longer. It makes it look like summer has already started and I already spent some time in the sun. I can't wait to go to the beach!!

Tomorrow we're gonna go bowling with some classmates and maybe visit a cat cafe u.u

I'm feeling kind of anxious because I've been spending lots of money this break to go out but at the same time I know I won't have any free time to see my friends when my internship begins, so I might as well enjoy this as much as I can (and work extra shifts in the weekends ( 𖦹﹏𖦹)

I almost forgot to mention that I dreamed I was fighting with a girl who was buying coffee at starsucks because she didn't care about the boycott for Falestine, that was pretty intense.

april 3 2024

After seeing ironymachine's website, I wanted to try some pixel art today!

I drew some other things as well and didn't like most of them, but it felt nice to draw for myself again and not for school.

april 2 2024

I started making a 3D version of my websites bedroom! That way I wouldn't need to use random pictures anymore and I think it'll look even cuter as I'd be able to customize everything. Now I just have to actually make it look nice :,) it's been a while since I used blender and my fingers hurt from all the clicking.. Here's what I got done today

I'm trying to copy the layout I made for my desk page. It's obviously not finished at all but I think it's a good base to continue building on!

march 31 2024

Today I met up with one of my dearest friends after not seeing her for months! Because she studies in another country, we mostly keep in touch by updating eachother on our lives through long voice messages (almost weekly, it's really fun to listen to while doing my chores like laundry etc. It's like a vip personal podcast). We went to a cafe and I had the most delicious passion fruit cheesecake with a matcha latte. We also tried their new drink: a charcoal vanilla latte, it was so yummy! My friend thought it was a bit too sweet so I finished hers. We talked for hours about many different things. No matter how long we're appart, talking to her is always fun and easy. I hope to visit her soon during my next break!

march 22 2024

Quick log before i go home! Today is my last day of school as a bachelor since after this, I have 3 months of internship followed by the long awaited summer vacation! which is not really gonna be vacation since i'll probably (hopefully) be working at one of the studio's i'll be doing my internship at.

After this year, i'll start my master year, which means i'll have to make my own movie. I'm still debating on whether i'd do it with in partnership with one of my classmates or not... i'll do some brainstorming during the summer, i'll have plenty of time for that on the train!

This year went by so fast, i don't want school to end.. I might just start another bachelor after this one

march 19 2024

I finally revamped my whale page I'm so happyyyy!!! I love it so much and now that the layout is done I can start focusing on studying all my whale books and fill the page with all my new knowledge. Next up for the spring cleaning will be my 'about me page' and the desk probably. I also want to change the layout of my journal but I still need to figure out what I want to do with it.

march 15 2024

Since I'm gonna be really busy this weekend I decided to take today off to rest and do things I like (update my website ohoho). Really needed a day for myseld to prepare for the social social days up ahead (..◜ᴗ◝..)

march 11 2024

Had a good weekend because started with seeing my crush and a client left a cute butterfly origami on their table, life is good

24/01/2024

my links page is looking like an absolute mess right now it's giving me a headache

21/01/2024

Here's what I've been up to (and why I won't be able to update for some time): I'm helping a friend with their short film by animating two small scenes in 2D. They're not long but the animation has to be slow and the shots happen in or around water, which i'm really not used to animate but it's ok i like a challenge! (ง ͠ಥ_ಥ)ง

I also have to work on my school homework, and send a bunch of mails for my internship...yuck hopefully I'll get an answer soon

Also i keep having new ideas to add to my site ( ◡̀_◡́)ᕤ i'll probably change the whole layout when i find the time, gotta be patient until then (i'm the impatient one lol)

19/01/2024

Feeling a bit down because i feel like i'm progressing really slowly with the making of my site. I'm not satisfied with it at all for now but I have to be patient! it's a new challenge i need to overcome lol

15/01/2024

All I want to do is work on this site all day and night but it's becoming a bit of an unhealthy obsession ( °x°;) I'm gonna need to restrain myself

14/01/2024

Thinking of relooking my homepage to look like a bedroom where you can click on different objects (like in the VN game 'My Candy Love'). The closet would take you to my fashion blog, the book to my journal/diary... I think that would be fun, but it's probaby gonna take a while to figure it out ;_;

10/01/24

I made a pet with gifypet and I'd like to add it to my sidebar on my homepage but i don't know how to make my sidebars wider yet so I'm leaving Pedro here for now.. I also want to figure out how people leave space between their side bars, I think my site would look neater that way.